2 Months and 23 days

Uggh! My allergies are acting up. This can't happen! I'm going out tonight with mommy!

My mother........she's been so kind and supportive since KoKo passed. I think she wants me to do other things then just stay in the house. Sometimes I stay in bed really late because I don't want to wake up before I see KoKo in a dream or something. Does that sound crazy?
When I told my boyfriend he looked at me like I was insane, and had the nerve to bring it up during an argument where he told me I was crazy because of it.

Uwakokunre (aka KoKo) 2006

Anyway, back to mommy. Since KoKo died my income changed. I had been a stay at home mom for about 4 years now because taking care of her (before I got nurses) took up most of my time.
No place of business could work around KoKo's schedule. I've done everything from waiting tables at restaurants to painting rooms with a construction company to make ends meet.
At some point during that crazy time, I found out I could collect SSI to help my family out financially. To make a long story short, after my baby passed I could collect no more.

Her leaving this existence came as a complete shock. KoKo was as healthy as she could be. On what started out as a beautiful Sunday morning, after I gave her her nebulizer and checked if she needed changing, I left to my mom's house to print our Great Adventure passes.

My 16 year old was responsible for KoKo when either I or the nurse wasn't around. It took me a little longer to do what I had to do then I expected, but my oldest was more then capable of taking care of her sister.

Koko was very easy to care for. She would watch TV in her room, play with her Nintendo DSi while she sat in her chair and just enjoyed everyone's company.
I regret taking as long as I did or even having to leave at all that morning. If I didn't, I would have spent more time with her that day.
I've been working hard on my own business, but it isn't at the point to sustain me and my family! I've been steady looking for work but.....well, I'm not the only one who has a sob story when it comes to that.

I feel kind of guilty depending on the SSI in the past, and.......well.....I don't know. It's difficult. It's not about the money. I think It's yet another reminder of her not being here, and when my mother offers to pay for things or help me out financially, I feel funny about it.
Nonetheless, we are going to see Paul Mooney tonight at Carolines comedy club compliments of my mom. I hope I laugh really hard.....I need to