6 Months 6 days

It's been a while since I've posted. A lot has been going on. In other words I've been so busy with work and play that my mind has been distracted from my sorrows. Until Mother's day that is.

I noticed among all of my Mothers day wishes I received via text messages, there was a large group of people that did not reach out to me. My brother for one, my "God father/baba" (for lack of a better description) and all of my wonderful spiritual siblings. And to make matters worse, one of them called my sister and spoke to my mom. Nothing for me though. What the hell was going on?!! KoKo grew up with these people! How can they supposedly be on the path of riotousness when they don't practice the most common belief parallel in all religions. 'Do unto other's as you would have them do unto you' and 'What goes around come around'. Well I have one thing to say to them all...Karma is a fat hungry bitch and the kitchen cabinets are bare.

Anyway, I dusted my shoulders off real quick and decided to reach out to my baba's wife. Since I don't personally have her number I had to call his. To make a long story short, he answered, I had angry words with him concerning the fact he hasn't reached out sing KoKo passed, to which he denied. After 20 minutes of listening to him BS me, I cut the conversation short by telling him to wish his wife a happy Mother's day for me.  I guess he did because I got a text message saying "same to you" from a phone number I didn't recognize.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, back to business at hand.
I've been going through some of my videos of KoKo and I compiled a few of them spanning from 2008 to 2010.  Every time I watch it the rest of my children surround me and we share in happy memories, special moments and funny times. I have some other videos of my daughter when she was a baby but I have to pull them off of DV somehow and get them onto my computer to edit. Nonetheless, there will be more to come.

I am smiling now and will continue as much as possible from here on.

5 Months 5 Days

I was in the kitchen last night sharing out dinner for my family. The mood was joyous. My oldest was playing music from her Ipod for her little brother to dance to. My boyfriend was sharing his food out with a smile on my face. My two other children where giggling and laughing at something I don't even know. Everything seemed perfect. Then I realized someone was missing.
At that moment it hit me what Michael Jackson's song (which I'd always skip on the CD) 'Gone Too Soon' was about. So I went on you tube and played it right in the middle of all the happiness.

My boyfriend rolled his eyes and looked at me like 'why'd you have to go and do that?' I felt a little guilty ruining the moment, but for some reason it seemed appropriate. He then told me he was going to make a collage with pictures of KoKo and that song in the background. I told him he should totally do it. Until that happens I want to include the song in this post.

4 Months 27 Days

Uwakokunre's birthday was last wednesday, March 16th. Though the day started off kind of rough, it turned out to be a good day. 

I planned a small get together with the family to celebrate the day she would be 10 years old. But like many of my "unofficial" gatherings, this turned out to be quite the shindig. My aunts and grandmother came. My sister and her boyfriend, who I didn't expect to show cause they had plans of their own, joined us. Even one of my younger sisters' mother stopped by. 

When I first decided to celebrate KoKo's birthday, I knew I risked setting the stage for a possible cry fest. Thankfully the curtain never raised on that performance. It was all smiles and laughter just as if KoKo was there. Near the end, one of my younger sister's dropped a few tears. But I announced that I refused to let any water escape my eyes, and the moment passed and ended in smiles. 

It took me a while to get myself started that morning. I had shopping and cooking to do, but I just couldn't motivate myself to do it. Though the weather was warm and sunny, and it was a beautiful day, for a good 10 minutes I actually canceled the party. Obviously I changed my mind.  

10/17/2010
The only picture I have
taken that day.

The night before KoKo's birthday I sat on the edge of my bed thinking about how she looked when I finally walked into the hospital room after a grueling 105 minute drive from Great Adventure. I tried to prepare myself for the scene of her laying there lifeless as I rode in the passenger seat of my truck. I called the hospital about 15 times for updates as to what was going on since she was taken from home by the ambulance.  After the 10th time everybody I spoke to told me the same thing. "The doctor will speak to you when you get here." I had a pretty good idea what I was in store for at the end of my journey. I continued to call for two reasons. One, to give myself something to do during the long ride, and two, I hoped I could trick one of the nurses into telling me the status of my daughter. That didn't work. 

On my last call to the hospital I asked to speak to my mother who was there with KoKo. I was cruelly left on hold listening to the bustle of the emergency room while I strained to hear any conversation with the subject matter of a 9 year old, SMA or Uwakokunre Ayinde.  My mother never came to the phone and after about 10 minutes on hold someone finally just hung up. 

As we saw the sign to the East Orange exit off of the parkway, my heart was racing faster then it ever had in my whole life. Besides for the whimpers of my sisters sobbing in the back, the truck was silent.

At her checkup 10/13/2010

As soon as we pulled into the parking lot I jumped out the car and ran inside. The hallway from the main emergency entrance to the door the security guard directed me to, stretched out in front of me like a scene in phycological thriller. I could't feel my feet touching the floor, and my armpits where tingling with the onset of perspiration.  I could feel an asthma attack coming on as I prayed over and over in my head 'please lord let my baby be alright'. 

As soon as I walked through the doors where the nurses station was, the whole staff seemed to look at me as if they knew who I was there for. An asian woman asked me if I was Ayinde's mother, and by her body language I could tell what curtain my baby was behind. Everything was a blur. I think I whisked  passed my uncles wife who worked at the hospital, but honestly I don't remember much of what my eyes were seeing before the sight I was most dreading. 

When I pulled back the curtain the first face I looked for was my moms. I wasn't ready to see KoKo's body yet.  I needed somebody to confirm what I feared before my suspicions became a reality. I thought that would make the blow less painful. But when I saw the tears streaming down my mothers cheeks, I felt like someone punched me in the stomach, and I immediately bent over in the direction of the bed where my daughters body lay. She was gone! Oh my god please no! I wasn't here! 

She looked like she was only sleeping. Her hair looked as though there was still life in the strands.

The color of her skin was fair and golden, not pale and grey like I thought it would be. Her cheeks, torso and hands where still warm. Not cold and stiff like they portray on T.V. 

Maybe the Dr.'s made a mistake. 

KoKo chillin' with her little brother
3 days earlier 10/14/2010

I wanted to shake her but I was afraid if I did and she was still alive, me shaking her would kill her. I lifted up the sheet that was covering her body and saw her wrists and ankles bound with medical tape. There was an open ended tube coming out of her mouth that I knew led to her lungs. Something told me to check her teeth and I found them broken as a result of the barbaric unskilled attempt to intubate her so she could breath. 

I was so angry. Angry at myself for not being there. Angry at myself for letting a nurse I didn't know well take care of her. Angry at myself for not taking her to the beach that summer. Angry at myself for for going somewhere so far away to have fun. Angry at myself for not being there....... Disappointed in myself for not being home......Mad at me for not being with her. 

We as individuals  know the truth that is in our own hearts and minds. Some of us try to fool ourselves into believing what we know to be true, is not true at all. We  lie to ourselves so that our wrong doings don't seem as wrong as we know they are.  Some are good at this and others aren't. 

Some of those that aren't turn to substances, like drugs and alcohol, to forget and dull the guilt and pain that comes with knowing our true selves. Some of those that are, pray to a higher power with the belief and excuse that one must only ask for forgiveness and they are forgiven (can anybody say presumptuous?).

Then there is the question of someone committing a trespass against us. As the victim we may either forgive them or remove them from our lives.   

I believe in my heart if I stayed home that day, KoKo would still be alive. 

What do you do when even for a moment you can't forget, you don't believe in a God that absorbs the repercussions of your actions just because you said please, and you are the person you won't forgive?

4 Months 7 Days

Time is of the essence.
Losing KoKo brought much attention to my own mortality and that of my other children. Not that I didn't appreciate life before, but now I pledge to use every minute of every day for something positive, productive or both.

I dedicated a lot of my time to improving the quality of life of my Uwakokunre. Now it seems like I have a lot of time on my hands but it comes with a deadline.  Plenty of it but none to waste. I know it sounds like a paradox, but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

I jam my days with project after project, and if I can't do anything on one for lack of funds or resources, I clean and organize my house along with maintaining the integrity of my family.

I have three books in the works, and at night when I lay down to sleep, ideas swirl in my head like a whirlwind. Which then to my mans dismay, causes me to get out of my bed and sneak to the computer.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I will lose one of my other children by some freaky mishap. Or maybe they'll lose me.  It's not a positive thought, and I dispel it quicker then I can say it out loud. It's just KoKo's passing came as such a surprise, and I realize now I have to be prepared for anything. I must provide my remaining children with the life that I didn't have and always dreamed of.

I want to leave them a legacy. I want them to enjoy they're term on this planet, in my charge, to the best of my ability and more. I want them to experience everything wonderful that East Orange, Essex County, New Jersey, United States of America, and the World has to offer. And all before God says it's time for them or I to come home.
I hope I can do it.  

3 Months 30 Days

My man put together some shelving for my pantry. I love organization. I can find everything I need at the time I need it.

In my rearranging process I found some pictures we took at the Make a Wish Foundation holiday party in 2009. It was me and all of my children minus my eldest, who wasn't feeling well that day, sitting (and standing) with Mr and Mrs Clause. KoKo was planted front and center in her red chair looking somewhere else other then the camera. She and her youngest brother were distracted by all of the toys displayed in the far corner. We had so much fun that year.  

I gazed down at the picture thinking about how the skin on KoKo's cheeks were so smooth and bright. How the crook of her neck smelled like a baby in the morning. I imagined what she would be doing at the moment if she was still here, and I try to smile because my thoughts are truly happy.
But happy seeds must sprout sad flowers because whenever I reminisce on the days we were all together I cant help but feel the vast void left by my missing child.

To not think of Uwakokunre makes for tolerable days and sleep filled nights. When my mind stays occupied on everyday malarkey, my mood is light-hearted and happy. Why must it be this way?

When I think of my daughter laughing at me as I carry her up the stairs, within seconds the picture in my mind metamorphosizes into the moment I saw her lying on the  hospital bed closed eyed and lifeless.
When I imagine how fun it was to sit with her in her room and watch movies, I can't help but feel sad at how we won't get to finish The Women Of Brewster Place together.
When I laugh at something stupid on a Disney Channel show or try to watch a scary movie (KoKo loved scary movies) I am reminded of how much my heart aches with every minute of her infinite absence.
I never, ever want to forget KoKo, but my memories of her causes water to incessantly stream from my eyes and down my face. And as for my mood....well lets just say if you are in my vicinity you'd understand why the word gloomy and rainy days go hand in hand.
I think happy seeds can sprout sad flowers, but I do have faith one day those flowers will make a beautiful bouquet...........I just don't think for me it will be anytime soon.

3 Months 16 days

My last post took a toll on me emotionally. That's why I haven't posted in a while.
There are some things in my life since then that seem to have changed dramatically for the better. I got a new vehicle. Things are looking up for my business. I've been less stressed financially. You know how they say it's darkest before the dawn? Well I'm starting to feel like I'm finally getting a clear view of the sunrise.

My new car is a Nissan Quest minivan.....that's a funny thing actually.  I figured I would need to get a minivan, or something along those lines, sooner or later. I didn't want to be associated in any form or fashion with a "mom-mobile", but I knew eventually it would be the practical thing to do when Uwakokunre got bigger and would need a lift  for her and her wheelchair to go on family outings. That being said, isn't it ironic I get a minivan after she's gone?

Whenever I'm in this vehicle I look to the backseat and can picture her face clear as day smiling at me. Even better.....in my new van we have a dvd player. Oh how she would love that! My man put KoKo's Camp Rock movie in for the boys to watch on our way to Ikea.  It was the only time my 3 year old found the disney movie entertaining! Hearing it in the background as I drove brought back so many memories.

See, Disney was KoKo's favorite channel, and her little brother couldn't stand it! When she'd be watching 'That's so Raven' on netflix in her bedroom, he would come and press pause in the middle of the show knowing good and well she really couldn't do much about it!

KoKo would call my name over and over to tell on her brother, and just as I walked through the door to respond, that little boy would press play like he did nothing wrong.
Well look at him now, watching Disney's Camp Rock just like his sister in our new (gasp) minivan! Who would've thought.....

3 Months 9 days

KoKo, Arrishtk and Amanaja

My oldest daughter is going to be 17 in March.
Last year I took her to Great Adventure for her sweet 16. Initially I planned to throw her a slumber party at the Hilton Hotel in Short Hills NJ but when she couldn't get her friends to participate she decided she wanted to go to there instead. This year she wants to have a game party at our house and invite her friends and the rest of our family. I think that's pretty modest for a teenager.
I've noticed now that KoKo's gone the kids want to do more things at home. For instance, instead of going to the movies they prefer to rent a movie or watch something on Netflix. When Koko was here everybody wanted to go out every chance they got. Or at least it seemed that way.
Koko's birthday is March 16th, and exactly 8 days before my oldest turns 17. I'm not sure if Great Adventure is open that early in March, but I was considering taking the kids there to celebrate.

KoKo and Montsho

Is that strange? I mean.......that is where I was when she left.

We got to GA that day around 5:30 pm. Me the girls and a couple of there friends lingered and talked for a while before we actually went to the rides. We decided to create a buddy system and paired off into 'couples' for our fun filled amusement park extravaganza.
After settling on El Toro, a ride I thought I'd never get on, we put our bags and cell phones into the nearest locker, and got on line. The line move amazingly fast for some reason. We went from the 90 minute check point to the 20 minute check point in 10 minutes! Needles to say we were thrilled!

2 of my sisters went with there men/buddy to explore the park, but most of the gang was here waiting to ride El Toro. We all sat consecutively in the the middle of the car train occupying about 4 cars. We were too chicken to get in the front or the back of the roller coaster, so we played it safe.

The ride was amazing! Dips dives and turns galore! Just when you thought it was over, it seemed to start all over again! While going over a very steep hill into a long dip I noticed a necklace suspended  in the air just as my car went over the peek of the hill. What was that? In my excitement and adrenaline rush, was I seeing things that weren't there?


When we got off the ride we were all recapping what a great time we had on our way back to the lockers. I started to feel concerned that I hadn't called home in over an hour. I remembered seeing the necklace in the air and started to ask everyone else did they see it or if anybody lost a necklace. In my process, remembering one of my sister's boyfriends was wearing rosery beads, I caught up to him and asked if he still had them on. He didn't. He didn't even realize he lost them! I seemed to be the only one that found the whole incident interesting.

We made it back to the lockers. I checked my cell phone for any missed calls while the rest of my sisters located our strayed group members. One of them got on El Toro right behind us so she caught up quick. The other was on the other side of the park and we decided to head in her direction. No more then 5 minutes later my phone rang. It was my mom. "Z, Koko's not responding" She said panicking but trying to stay calm. The feeling in my stomach was the same as going over the highest hill on the roller coaster. I took deep silent breaths and everything in my sight disappeared. "What? Are you sure she's not sleep?" I could hear my mother calling my daughters name. I told her to put the phone to KoKo's ear thinking the sound of my voice would get a response out of her. I couldn't even tell when my mom did what I asked. I felt like I was talking to nothing. I started to panic on the inside but I knew I needed to stay calm. "Mommy!" I yelled loud so she could hear me though the phone was away her ear.

"Tell me what happend I need to know exactly what's going on. What is the nurse doing?" She tried to explained to me the best she could. The nurse said everything was fine she just turned around and Koko wasn't breathing. I told mommy to put the nurse on the phone.

"I don't know what happened. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say" I couldn't tell if the nurses tone was that of guilt or sorrow. I started to drill her about my daughters condition. All she could say was 'I don't know what to say'

"I'm telling you what to say. Tell me what happened!" I yelled.
"I don't know what to say, I don't know what to say". This woman was African but she spoke and understood English very well. What didn't she understand? What didn't she know to say? 
"Put my mom back on the the phone!" I barked at her. 
My mom told me KoKo still wasn't responding. I went over a checklist with her on everything to do to try to get Koko to breath again.
"The nurse is panicking. She's fumbling with the oxygen tank" My mom told me.

I asked mommy if the nurse used the suction machine to clear KoKo's airways. "Yes, but she's not getting anything out".

Mommy and KoKo

I felt nothing but chaos coming through my cell phone. I felt so far away and disconnected from everybody at home. I tried to visualize how my daughters bedroom looked, what the other kids were doing, what the nurse looked like. I just couldn't get the picture clear in my head. My thoughts was scrambled at the possibility that this time would be the last time my daughter would take a trip in the ambulence. And I was over an hour away.  I tried to imagine the positive alternative. I would get to the hospital and see my baby on the hospital bed connected to moniters, and the doctor would come in and tell me she was going to be fine.

I hear my moms voice again "The ambulence just got here."
"Tell them they have to go to UMDNJ." I refuse to except the fact that the distance of my daughters regular hospital could affect her survival. She's gonna get there with the doctors that know her, and they will take care of my baby....everything will be fine.........everything will be fine........everything has to be fine

"We can't. There's no time." A distant male voice responds to my moms instructions, breaking my affirmation.

Mommy tells me she's going with them. At that moment everything around me materializes and I see that I'm surrounded by my sisters and friends. My 2 youngest sisters had been crying. I look over at the guys in our group and I feel sorry that the trip they paid money for is being cut short.  My eyes fill with tears as we make our way out of the park and I silently ask God to please let my baby be okay.