Yesterday made a year since my KoKo left this existence. For the last few days my anticipation of the anniversary of the day my daughter died caused me to mope around aimlessly not sure of how I felt. I found myself becoming involved with monotonous time passers like Words With friends on Facebook and flipping through magazines without reading them. I had every intention of blogging but couldn't bring myself to actually do it.
Initially in a sad attempt to conquer a potential stigma, I planned a trip to Great Adventure's fright fest, but slowly most who planned on attending backed out. By Thursday the only remaining attendees were myself, my oldest daughter and my second to youngest sister. Oh, and her friend. A fun filled trip this did not make. By Friday the thought of the small group of us driving for two hours to supposedly get thrills and chills on roller coasters only gave me thrills and chills of dread. Needless to say we did not go.
My daughter was very disappointed. I tried to explain to her what I was feeling and why the trip was cancelled but she didn't seem to understand. I hope she does one day.
Sunday October 16th, prompted by a dream I had two nights before, I got up and went to church. The message pertained to quite a few things going on in my life. The pastor spoke about the invisible army God has in place for us during our times of trials and tribulations. Guardian angels and such, that deliver our prayers to the creator. Before I continue I must explain for those that don't know. I'm not a christian or church goer, but I am very spiritual and I know there is a God. Uwakokunre passing over had me questioning a lot of my beliefs because I was confused, and that confusion sowed a seed of doubt. That doubt only led to more confusion and I just wasn't sure anymore.
My dreams I believe, sometimes serve as windows into the spiritual world and allow me to see that which I cannot when I am conscious. Anytime I dream I was in church, I go to church that same sSunday. And without fail, each time I go the preacher not only touches, but focuses on a subject that pertains to me and the things going on in my life at that moment. This Sunday was no different. In addition to the sermon the Pastor anointed everyone in oil and took personal prayers anointed those, blessed and burned them. I asked my mom, who is a member of this church along with one of my sisters, has he done this before to which she replied "not since I've been coming". I confirmed a lot that day, but it does't compare to what takes place on the next.
Monday October 17th, I started the day with a post on Facebook requesting everyone to wear pink in commemoration of KoKo and her favorite color. After returning from dropping my youngest to school I argued with my 'not boyfriend' about something ridiculous. I was emotionally numb to pretty much everything he said and awkwardly drifted through the rest of the day avoiding him.
I decided to go to a spiritual class being held at the church I went to the day before, later that evening. My mom showed interest in going so we decided to go together. Me looking forward to that was one of the most eventful things of the day. No grand displays of tears, no ultimately depressive sadness, no displaced anger. Just an overall lull of emotional silence that lasted until dinner time.
I prepared dinner for the family before I left to pick up my mother. After parking in front of the church I noticed there was very few cars. It crossed my mind that the class may have been cancelled but we went in anyway. We were greeted by a nice older man emptying water on the sidewalk who to old us that everyone left and class was cancelled. His claim was backed up by a sign on the door leading to the sanctuary stating in stead of class the Pastor will be preaching at a revival taking place in the next town. My mom and me stood there contemplating what to do next. After a couple of 'its up to you' exchanges, I told her I was curious to see what was happening. So we went.
The service was encouraging, uplifting and motivating. And on top of everything else the Pastor had on a pink shirt, and there was a pink miniature church on the alter behind him! Whether she followed us there or led the way, I felt KoKo's spirit was present in this place. My heart was the most at ease then it had been in the last year.
I was so touched by the pastors unconscious gesture of commemoration, I prayed that I got a chance to see him face to face to thank him. Unfortunately he dipped out of the back door right after his sermon.
When me and my mom got back to the car I sat and spoke to her about how the revival the the pastors message affected me. That's when the tears started to roll. I didn't cry because I was sad. Don't get me wrong I was and will always be hurt about the way Uwakokunre died, and her absence will always leave a hole in my heart, but I cried tears of relief sitting in my car after a revival in a church I'd never been to. I felt and feel like all of the puzzle pieces flying around in my head are finally starting to fit together. The weight on my heart isn't so heavy anymore and I am starting to accept that what will be will be. But it doesn't stop there.
After finding our way back to the parkway my mom calls one of my sister's who happened to be at TGIF's. The thing is my mother asked me did I feel like going before we got on the parkway and I decided against it. I wasn't in the mood to be around average Joe's and common Jane's in a loud environment drinking alcohol and eating fried foods. But as soon as I heard my sister was there something told me to go. So we went.
As we walked through the large heavy doors, my mom questionexclaims "Is that my pastor!?" I looked around thinking she saw him on T.V. or something, but lo and behold there he was tucked away in an empty corner of TGIF's in West Orange. He was accompanied by two other people, one of whom I knew from going out with my mom. I was flabbergasted!! I was able to thank him for wearing pink on the anniversary of my daughters death.
The Lord works in mysterious ways but if we dissolve ourselves, open our souls and really listen, we'll find it's not as mysterious as it seems. Everything happens for a reason and for a reason everything happens.
My baby is no longer here with me in the flesh but I have excepted that in the spirit she is in and around me always.
That being said I'm considering this being my last post. I do wish I posted more often but I rest assured in the fact that I posted when I was suppose to. Writing helps me a great deal and Losing My Pink KoKo has been a great deal of help. Thank you to all who've read and shared in my journey during the year after my daughter died. I hope that I'm not the only one who's benefitted from this.
Scratch that. I know I'm not the only one who's benefitted from this. So who knows, if the spirit tell me to, I may continue. Until then...... Amen
Everyday God is good and God is good everyday.
 |
| Before we left to Great Adventure 10-17-2010 Also referred to as the day KoKo died |
My daughter was very disappointed. I tried to explain to her what I was feeling and why the trip was cancelled but she didn't seem to understand. I hope she does one day.
Sunday October 16th, prompted by a dream I had two nights before, I got up and went to church. The message pertained to quite a few things going on in my life. The pastor spoke about the invisible army God has in place for us during our times of trials and tribulations. Guardian angels and such, that deliver our prayers to the creator. Before I continue I must explain for those that don't know. I'm not a christian or church goer, but I am very spiritual and I know there is a God. Uwakokunre passing over had me questioning a lot of my beliefs because I was confused, and that confusion sowed a seed of doubt. That doubt only led to more confusion and I just wasn't sure anymore.
My dreams I believe, sometimes serve as windows into the spiritual world and allow me to see that which I cannot when I am conscious. Anytime I dream I was in church, I go to church that same sSunday. And without fail, each time I go the preacher not only touches, but focuses on a subject that pertains to me and the things going on in my life at that moment. This Sunday was no different. In addition to the sermon the Pastor anointed everyone in oil and took personal prayers anointed those, blessed and burned them. I asked my mom, who is a member of this church along with one of my sisters, has he done this before to which she replied "not since I've been coming". I confirmed a lot that day, but it does't compare to what takes place on the next.
Monday October 17th, I started the day with a post on Facebook requesting everyone to wear pink in commemoration of KoKo and her favorite color. After returning from dropping my youngest to school I argued with my 'not boyfriend' about something ridiculous. I was emotionally numb to pretty much everything he said and awkwardly drifted through the rest of the day avoiding him.
 |
| KoKo and Me (her mommy) New Years eve 2009 |
I prepared dinner for the family before I left to pick up my mother. After parking in front of the church I noticed there was very few cars. It crossed my mind that the class may have been cancelled but we went in anyway. We were greeted by a nice older man emptying water on the sidewalk who to old us that everyone left and class was cancelled. His claim was backed up by a sign on the door leading to the sanctuary stating in stead of class the Pastor will be preaching at a revival taking place in the next town. My mom and me stood there contemplating what to do next. After a couple of 'its up to you' exchanges, I told her I was curious to see what was happening. So we went.
 |
| Pastor Ron B. Christian. This is the best picture I could get wit my camera but trust me the shirt is pink. |
The service was encouraging, uplifting and motivating. And on top of everything else the Pastor had on a pink shirt, and there was a pink miniature church on the alter behind him! Whether she followed us there or led the way, I felt KoKo's spirit was present in this place. My heart was the most at ease then it had been in the last year.
I was so touched by the pastors unconscious gesture of commemoration, I prayed that I got a chance to see him face to face to thank him. Unfortunately he dipped out of the back door right after his sermon.
After finding our way back to the parkway my mom calls one of my sister's who happened to be at TGIF's. The thing is my mother asked me did I feel like going before we got on the parkway and I decided against it. I wasn't in the mood to be around average Joe's and common Jane's in a loud environment drinking alcohol and eating fried foods. But as soon as I heard my sister was there something told me to go. So we went.
As we walked through the large heavy doors, my mom questionexclaims "Is that my pastor!?" I looked around thinking she saw him on T.V. or something, but lo and behold there he was tucked away in an empty corner of TGIF's in West Orange. He was accompanied by two other people, one of whom I knew from going out with my mom. I was flabbergasted!! I was able to thank him for wearing pink on the anniversary of my daughters death.
The Lord works in mysterious ways but if we dissolve ourselves, open our souls and really listen, we'll find it's not as mysterious as it seems. Everything happens for a reason and for a reason everything happens.My baby is no longer here with me in the flesh but I have excepted that in the spirit she is in and around me always.
That being said I'm considering this being my last post. I do wish I posted more often but I rest assured in the fact that I posted when I was suppose to. Writing helps me a great deal and Losing My Pink KoKo has been a great deal of help. Thank you to all who've read and shared in my journey during the year after my daughter died. I hope that I'm not the only one who's benefitted from this.
Scratch that. I know I'm not the only one who's benefitted from this. So who knows, if the spirit tell me to, I may continue. Until then...... Amen
Everyday God is good and God is good everyday.
